I've been wanting to post to the blog for a long time now but I haven't because truthfully, I've been super agitated lately and I don't want to write from a place of negativity. Anyone who knows me well knows that I can be very emotional, very sensitive, and I can complain a lot when things aren't going smoothly. Here's the thing about my complaining: I do not internalize anything. When I feel negativity inside me, I need to get it out. Be it by journaling, running, complaining etc. Sometimes I even cry. But I don't hold anything in. Any "negative" emotion that infiltrates my headspace is questioned and analyzed and dealt with and released. Because I can't be a good mom when I'm in that place.
Anyways, things get crazy around here with Tyler on the road so much. Deacon's started scooting around and getting into stuff so he requires a bit more energy. On top of that he's teething and not sleeping well at night. It's not uncommon for him to be up 3 times in a night. This past week I decided I am done with night-time nursing. I feel like if I don't stop now, I may be stuck doing it forever (obviously not forever but longer than I'd want to). He doesn't care to use a soother so getting him back to sleep is challenging, but he's actually getting the hang of it! After the first couple nights, I was very tired during the day. You don't feel like doing anything when you're so exhausted, yet there's so much that needs to be done! I find that it feels so much easier to be out and about with the kids than be at home where I can see everything that needs to be done but cannot find a way to tackle it. It has also been very refreshing to get out of our daily routine by going on little excursions.
Tyler is home today and today only for his dad's wedding and I am totally taking advantage of the extra parent in the house. I went to the gym this morning which was awesome but even just having another person to defer Hayden's millions of questions to has been a huge relief. It's the little things that require so much patience. "Mommy, what is this?" and "Why?" are big ones right now.
What I've been meaning to write about over the past week but couldn't find a way to say it without sounding distressed is: Where are all the inspirational leaders/spiritual teachers/"life coach" types that are also MOTHERS? I've had days when I just feel so done with cleaning up sparkles and changing diapers. Sometimes I feel resentful or bitter and I don't want to feel that way because I am SO grateful for my babies and my life. I LOVE them so much I can't even bear it, yet they drive me bonkers! So I go to the library and I read Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Dr. Robert Holden. I understand their messages. They make perfect sense to me. Be grateful, free yourself from your ego, live peacefully, follow your dreams, create your own reality, trust in God! Honestly, I can't think of how grateful I am without getting tears in my eyes. There is no reality that I can or would want to create where my babies don't need me to be there for them 24/7. Like most mom's, I live for my children and that is something I know you cannot understand unless you are a mom. My list goes on: Oprah, Gabrielle Bernstein, Instagram's @yoga_girl - all women I look to for inspiration and guidance, yet none of them are moms. I'm just going to throw this out there, sorry if I offend anyone - Jesus, was not a mother. Buddha, was not a mother. Mother Theresa, not a real mother.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes it feels like on the path to enlightenment there's a toll booth and mother's are asked to pay just a little bit more than everyone else. Because we're carrying our little ones with us. Do you get what I'm saying?
I hope everyone enjoys their weekends!! All my love and gratitude. And to the other moms out there feeling like sanity is a struggle, we're in this together!
XO Liza
No comments:
Post a Comment